Dr. Pangloss’s Intelligence Quiz
by Debra Coleman
1. A Woman is found on a crusty linoleum floor at the base of a steel staircase. She’s semiconscious, sputtering, “I fell. My head is bleeding.” (Her head is not bleeding, though gluey liquid percolates from her eyes.) What is the first thing the person who found the Woman should do?
A. Prop her up on the lowest step and leave work for the day.
B. Help her to the passenger seat of the office manager’s car.
C. Call an ambulance.
D. Drive her to a dark campus auditorium where her husband is attending an art lecture. Escort her inside and ask her to point to the husband in the audience.
Answer
The only correct answer is C, though some people prefer to avoid the drama associated with flashing lights and sirens. These people will opt instead to help the Woman with the quiet, dangerous interventions described by answers A, B, and D.
2. The Woman, a senior architect, returns to work the next day even though her gait is up-all-night drunk. Ten minutes into her first meeting, she excuses herself because the room is whirling. Which of the following would be most helpful?
A. Buy her a three-dimensional jigsaw puzzle of Notre Dame to help her recover.
B. Tell her she must come to the office Christmas party because it will cheer her up.
C. Suggest that she work part-time so that she’ll feel only half as nauseous.
D. Help her corkscrew back to her office.
Answer
Because Call an ambulance isn’t one of the choices, D is the most helpful intervention. Answers A and C don’t address her problems. Answer B is incorrect because the Woman doesn’t yet know she needs cheering up.
3. After several weeks of home rest, sleeping through a stack of movies from Blockbuster, the Woman has not improved. Her employer hires a neurologist named Dr. Lickspittle. After a cursory exam, what is the next step Dr. Lickspittle should take in order to check for a traumatic brain injury?
A. Order an MRI of the Woman’s brain.
B. Confidently proclaim that he sees no evidence of a TBI.
C. Tell the Woman to return to work, adding, “You don’t have a difficult job anyway.”
D. Refer her to an ear, nose, and throat specialist due to ongoing vertigo.
Answer
None of these answers are adequate for the diagnosis of a TBI. Answer A should be done, though it is difficult to image microscopic damage to nerve fibers. Answer D wastes time, as the Woman learns upon arrival for rehab, where she is told, “You’re too late for us to help you recover.” The Woman should immediately find a new neurologist.
4. Three years later, the Woman is sent for tests of her cognitive abilities. After several months, Dr. Scrupulous explains the results. Which of the following is most accurate?
A. The Woman will never be gainfully employed again.
B. Some of the tests were designed to determine whether she is a malingerer.
C. The Woman’s cognitive abilities have dropped from the 95th percentile to the 55th percentile.
D. Unlike those born with disabilities, the Woman will need to adjust to a sudden and unfamiliar person: herself.
Answer
A, B, C, and D are all accurate.
5. While taking a knitting class, the Woman discloses that she has a traumatic brain injury and has trouble following the sequence of pattern instructions while simultaneously chatting. What is the best reply?
A. “I would never have known if you hadn’t told me.”
B. “Well you look good!”
C. “You look fine to me.”
D. “I wanted to mention your shirt’s inside out.”
Answer
The best answer is D. No one wants to wear their shirt inside out in public. The other three answers sound like compliments, but for what?
6. After being out of touch for decades, the Woman meets a longtime friend for lunch, and describes her career-ending accident. What should the other’s first reaction be?
A. “I’m so jealous. I’d love to retire.”
B. “I wish I could nap every afternoon.”
C. “It must be wonderful to have so much free time on your hands.”
D. “You should volunteer to make copies for the architecture department.”
Answer
None of these reactions are appropriate. Skip to the next question.
7. After they finish a brisk hike, a new friend offers kudos to the Woman. Which of the following is the most flattering?
A. “Now you can go tell your other friends you’re not a gimp.”
B. “Aren’t you glad you had some spare IQ points?”
C. “You’re only as brain injured as you want to be.”
D. “I knew you weren’t one of those people, milking your accident for attention.”
Answer
Each of these answers is demeaning. The Woman is learning other people have become disinhibited as a result of her TBI.
8. After being introduced at a garden party, the Woman mentions to another that she has a brain injury. What’s the first thing the other woman should say?
A. “Oh, my memory is bad too!”
B. “Have you read the research about how the brain repairs itself?”
C. “You should try clover grass tea.”
D. “It’s wonderful you’ve recovered.”
Answer
If you’re the brain-injured person, follow the next hors d’oeuvres tray that passes and leave the party.
9. While picking up cough syrup for his daughter at a pharmacy, a man finds himself behind the Woman. She is repeatedly pushing on the entry door even though it won’t open. What should the man do next?
A. Clear his throat, then microphone, “Pull. The sign says Pull.”
B. Reach over her shoulder, pull the door open, and shove past her.
C. Try to joke, “The handles on these doors are useless.”
D. Find another entrance.
Answer
The best answer is D. It makes little sense to startle or humiliate a person caught in the loop of a problem with a simple yet impenetrable solution.
10. While struggling with a copy machine at Kinko’s, the Woman slams the lid down, yells “goddamned motherfucker,” and kicks the front of the machine. What is the most appropriate response?
A. Grab her papers and make the copies for her.
B. Say, “I get frustrated with these machines too.”
C. Move to a different machine while muttering, “What an asshole.”
D. Complain to the staff.
Answer
See answer to 6 above.
11. The Woman is frantically searching for milk. Her husband finds the carton in a cupboard. What should he do next?
A. Pat her back and say, “It’s okay, dear.”
B. Stick a label on the refrigerator door that says Refrigerator.
C. Say, “We all do these things as we get older.”
D. Ask, “Did you break your ‘one thing at a time’ rule?”
Answer
The correct answer is B. This is the only practical solution to avoid misplacing milk in the cupboard.
12. The Woman visits a town official to ask about a tax benefit for seniors and the disabled. What is his most likely response?
A. “I changed the way we calculate that because it gives people like you an unfair advantage.”
B. “The attorney that represents the town agreed I could change the rules.”
C. “What’s wrong with you? I explained this several times.”
D. “I have to leave for the day.”
Answer
All of the above. The Woman, tired of this test’s answers, lobbies town representatives to amend the program’s legal language. Prior to the final vote, a committee chair tells the Woman that if the vote is successful, she’ll have to buy everyone a round of beer.
The law is changed. The Woman does not purchase beer.